Thursday, November 20, 2008

Life Disintegrating

What do I do when I miss you? How do I come to terms with your sudden death. I really need to talk to you baba. I miss you so much it hurts.
I still have your phone on my speed dial. But you are no longer there to answer my calls.
Wish I could reach out and talk to you somewhere.

On the 40th day, I had a dream. So vivid, I thought it was real.
I felt like you were really there talking to me. You were sitting on the floor, I was at your side facing you. You talked about "Jama3at AlQuran ElKareem" I was full of tears.
You were wearing a green shirt, and smiling.

You said: "Didn't you ask to see me?, that's why I came"
I cried a river for you. I cry a lifetime.

You said: "Didn't you want Seif to sit on my lap, that's why I came"

And I then saw my son Seif sitting on my lap.

Was this dream just wishful thinking? Was a message to tell me you are ok, you are happy? What was the significance of the green shirt? Was it a symbol of you in heaven?

All these thoughts keep swirling around in my head.

Is it just wishful thinking?

Love you dad. Miss you forever.



Redbelt said...

That was beautiful.
He must have been a great man. May he rest in peace.

SoulSearch said...

Thanks RedBelt. He was the best dad anyone can ask for. Unfortunately, he went too fast, and I never got to tell him that.
We take life for granted.
Thanks for stopping by.

Nisreen said...

[كلُّ نفسٍ ذائقةُ الموتِ وإنَّما تُوَفَّون أجوركم يوم القيامة فمن زحزح عن النَّار وأدخل الجنَّة فقد فاز وما الحياة الدُّنيا إلاَّ متاعُ الغُرُورِ]

Not wishful thinking, what u saw was a 'ro2ya', that was ur beloved father and not just a figment of ur dreams...
it was 'him', truly 'him', and not ur subconscious...

{يَا عِبَادِيَ الَّذِينَ آمَنُواْ إِنَّ أَرْضِي وَاسِعَةٌ فَإِيَّايَ فَاعْبُدُونِ* كُلُّ نَفْسٍ ذَآئِقَةُ الْمَوْتِ ثُمَّ إِلَيْنَا تُرْجَعُونَ* وَالَّذِينَ آمَنُواْ وَعَمِلُواْ الصَّالِحَاتِ لَنُبَوِّئَنَّهُمْ مِّنَ الْجَنَّةِ غُرَفَاً تَجْرِي مِن تَحْتِهَا الاَْنْهَارُ خَالِدِينَ فِيهَا نِعْمَ أَجْرُ الْعَامِلِينَ* الَّذِينَ صَبَرُواْ وَعَلَى رَبِّهِمْ يَتَوَكَّلُونَ* وَكَأَيِّن مِّن دَآبَّةٍ لاَّ تَحْمِلُ رِزْقَهَا اللَّهُ يَرْزُقُهَا وَإِيَّاكُمْ وَهُوَ السَّمِيعُ الْعَلِيمُ}

{يُوفُونَ بِالنَّذْرِ وَيَخَافُونَ يَوْماً كَانَ شَرُّهُ مُسْتَطِيراً* وَيُطْعِمُونَ الطَّعَامَ عَلَى حُبِّهِ مِسْكِيناً وَيَتِيماً وَأَسِيراً * إِنَّمَا نُطْعِمُكُمْ لِوَجْهِ اللَّهِ لاَ نُرِيدُ مِنكُمْ جَزَآءً وَلاَ شُكُوراً * إِنَّا نَخَافُ مِن رَّبِّنَا يَوْماً عَبُوساً قَمْطَرِيراً* فَوَقَاهُمُ اللَّهُ شَرَّ ذَلِكَ الْيَومِ وَلَقَّاهُمْ نَضْرَةً وَسُرُوراً* وَجَزَاهُمْ بِمَا صَبَرُواْ جَنَّةً وَحَرِيراً* مُّتَّكِئِينَ فِيهَا عَلَى الأرَائِكِ لاَ يَرَوْنَ فِيهَا شَمْساً وَلاَ زَمْهَرِيراً* وَدَانِيَةً عَلَيْهِمْ ظِلالُهَا وَذُلِّلَتْ قُطُوفُهَا تَذْلِيلاً* وَيُطَافُ عَلَيْهِمْ بِآنِيَةٍ مِّن فِضَّةٍ وَأَكْوابٍ كَانَتْ قَوَارِيرَاْ* قَوَارِيرَاْ مِن فِضَّةٍ قَدَّرُوهَا تَقْدِيراً* وَيُسْقَوْنَ فِيهَا كَأْساً كَانَ مِزَاجُهَا زَنجَبِيلاً* عَيْناً فِيهَا تُسَمَّى سَلْسَبِيلا* وَيَطُوفُ عَلَيْهِمْ وِلْدَانٌ مُّخَلَّدُونَ إِذَا رَأَيْتَهُمْ حَسِبْتَهُمْ لُؤْلُؤاً مَّنثُوراً * وَإِذَا رَأَيْتَ ثَمَّ رَأَيْتَ نَعِيماً وَمُلْكاً كَبِيراً * عَلِيَهُمْ ثِيَابُ سُندُسٍ خُضْرٌ وَإِسْتَبْرَقٌ وَحُلُّواْ أَسَاوِرَ مِن فِضَّةٍ وَسَقَاهُمْ رَبُّهُمْ شَرَاباً طَهُوراً * إِنَّ هَذَا كَانَ لَكُمْ جَزَآءً وَكَانَ سَعْيُكُم مَّشْكُوراً}

see, green silk.... green is a colour symbolizing il khair... rest-assured Amool, ur father IS in a better place, he's happy, sorrounded by beauty and a glorious paradise, it's just us humans who feel the loss because we are confined by this material world... he is happy. he is in a GREAT place. Allah yirzigna Janaat il na3eem Ameen.

U know, we really need to focus more on the after-life, we are becoming slaves to this perishable material world. That's the true-meaning of life... it's not worth stressing over work, or money, or appearances, or whatever because life is too short and it should not be wasted over such things.

Allah yihdee il jamee3 ou yir7amna bira7matah il was3a. Ameen.

Love u sis, here for u whenever u need to talk. Allah Kareem, Allah Ra7eem.



dalal said...

Sweetheart, I am positive he is in a better place and I trully think it was a ro2ya. Allah yir7ama, plz know that he is watching down on u and I am sure he wants u to take care of your self and your kids. Honey, I wish i was there to hold ur hand, but we all know you have always been strong and you and your family will get through this. We love you sweet heart and u are all in our prayers.

Jhilmil (a stranger from a faraway land) said...

It has been exactly an year since I spoke to my father, around 15 mins before he met with a fatal accident. I still have his number on my phone. I also have a small son and I can feel your yearning as they are so similar to mine. I have not been able to put my grief in words the way you have. May God give you the strength to be the daughter your father would have been proud of.

God Bless You ....

SoulSearch said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. May he rest in peace, and always be remembered