Monday, May 12, 2008

The essence of my life...

Seriously. I think its around 3 or 4 pm that this sort of depression washes over me and I start thinking about my life and how I waste it on the mundane. These are the thoughts that roll inside my head,
what the hell am I doing in this job?
why do I leave my home, my children, my life, and sit here working my a** off?
how will my kids feel about me leaving them for so long every day?
how do I expect them to grow up and be successful and happy when I haven't been around to make sure they do the right things, think the right thoughts?
I miss their homework every day.
I miss discussing with them what they did in school every day.
I miss their playtime,
I miss their lunchtime

The only event I am there for every day is their bedtime.
They go to sleep and I sit up all night wishing they were awake so I could share their lives with them?

I wish it were that easy to quit and stay at home. I am caught between a rock and a hard place.
There's no escape.

No escape.

I feel seriously depressed. These long work hours don't work for me.
I am unproductive because I feel so emotional. I need a break.
I want to be with my kids.
I want to be around for my daughter when she cries, when she wants to brush her hair, when she experiments with my make up every day.
I want to be around when my son breaks his brand new toy and looks around for someone to fix it, with tears in his eyes.
I want to be there to tie their shoes,
to talk to them,
to walk with them,

I love my job, its challenging, its interesting, its thought-provoking, but my life... passes by

The distance between us. is both physical and emotional.



amal said...

i had a long chat with my mother about motherhood a few weeks ago, she was talking about the same exact thing..
she said it is part of motherhood (especially when it comes to enlightened educated women who really aspire to provide a decent living to their families) to feel this way.. in a way, you might be losing 50% of the time to be spent with them, but in the same time, you are investing in a very bright future..
today is for building.. you do spend quality time with them, i'm sure.. and that's what matters.. you're building for a promising tomorrow.. and they will thank you for it.. i'm sure..

well done babe.. :)

SoulSearch said...

Thanks amool. really appreciate your words of support!
I guess the only way to get thru this tough time is by spending quality time during weekends!